Self-Love, Part 2
For the last couple of weeks, I have been inspired by a high school friend who is practicing self-love while doing the hard work of addiction recovery. There may not be a more challenging starting place than that. My heart explodes for her 🧡🧡🧡
The thing is, we all have a “game face.” It’s fearless, strong, and put together. It's a steel facade and mask that are actually coping mechanisms, and at times- they have truly served you.
It’s good to acknowledge our ability to mask our vulnerability for survival.
They have created an armor of protection that made you stronger, yes, but over time it has also weakened our ability to have close, meaningful relationships with others… starting with ourselves.
It’s a repeat of a childhood wound of abandonment, and we perpetuate the belief that no one cares. We have to do it alone. That it’s on US.
Even when we have loving people in our life that helped pick up the pieces, shown us love and helped fill the gaps of our heart… the truth is, the abandonment wound is etched in our souls, and it's far more profound than we understand.
The woman who is wounded AND strong will find herself crumbling at some point. Life comes apart because she was created to be emotional beings in community with others… and we learned that the people who are *supposed* to love us and never leave (our parents) sometimes leave.
The reality is, our parents can’t always give us what we need, what we deserve, and what we want. Sometimes it's circumstantial. Sometimes it's a choice. Unfortunately, not all humans can do what is in front of them, no matter how much we THINK they should be able to Do, Be and KNOW better.
What happens next is that our young, wounded hearts decide that we can't trust our community. That leaving is what people do… even if it’s not right away. Eventually, we will be abandoned by those we love.
Keep in mind: There is a broad spectrum of abandonment- from situational emotional abandonment to full-on parental abandonment- reasons for which can include death, adoption, divorce, and 1000 variations in between. It can be both parents, one parent, or an entire family. In some cases, the abandonment wound can occur when people are physically present but mentally or emotionally checked out. A wound can happen in a single event or be patterned over decades.
The problem with having experienced abandonment (at any level) is that it becomes the foundation of how we measure ourself. How much we matter as a human. What we are worth.
Deep down, we believe that we are not worth the time, energy, or effort. So we build a life of self-betrayal. Two significant ways this shows up in life (among many other things) are
- Become a people pleaser who tries to earn love by being good.
- Create distance in relationships to avoid being hurt.
The wounded have created a rule- a silent agreement within ourselves- that it’s safer to be alone than to risk abandonment. We have also believed that people leave because we are not enough to make them WANT to stay. We have decided that other people’s actions are a reflection of us, so we must mask, mold, and shape ourselves to positively impact the actions of others.
It doesn’t work. At least not forever. Sometimes we can create positive outcomes that appear to be proof of healing… but that wound? It’s still there. It’s still fresh under those layers of strength and steel.
What you’ve done is created evidence to support a healed story, but the beliefs deep down are still screaming to the contrary.
There is a sweet child, who deep down, still needs to be heard, loved, and cherished.
That's who I help.
The woman who is ready to feel Healed and Whole.
She matters.
It’s the journey I have been on my whole life… I have healed many of the cracks, gaps, and broken pieces.
But here is the thing: it’s not us as humans who need fixing.
It’s our story. Our story makes us feel wounded. Our story makes us feel broken. Our story is what needs healing. What we need is our time. OUR Attention. OUR Energy. We need for US to be there for US.
Brilliant Brain Training is the process. Healed and Whole is the community.
This September, I offer you both. It’s a lifelong community that honors the time, space, and support needed to dig deep and find the gold.
