30 Hard Conversations

Uncategorized Jul 05, 2021
Many people talk about transformation as if it's this incredible moment that happens and changes life as you know it.
And they aren't wrong. Life can change in a moment.
And yet, what most people won't tell you is this: that moment of transformation comes after 100 moments of discomfort.
100 moments of vulnerability.
100 moments of resistance.
100 moments of falling short.
What's more, is that for each moment of transformation, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable, vulnerable, resilient, and to try again.
Want to know where to start?
It starts with a conversation.
Sometimes it's a hard conversation with yourself.
Sometimes it's a hard conversation with a partner or family member.
Sometimes it's a hard conversation with a friend or a client.
However, most of the time, these conversations are avoided. Buried. Ignored.
Why? Because most people are unwilling to risk how they will feel AFTER the conversation. The fear is that they will feel worse THEN than how they feel NOW.
I am here to tell you that that fear sometimes does become a reality. Hard conversations CAN make you feel worse... at first.
The beauty of living in transformation is deciding that difficult conversations are meaningful to you... regardless of how others respond.
It's a declaration that you value YOU.
You value others.
You value connection TODAY.
You value building the bridge for TOMORROW.
So when you look at hard conversations as a DEMONSTRATION OF YOUR VALUES, you can quickly agree that the discomfort is worth it when your values are at the center of the discussion.
So the question is: What Are Your Values?
Now, if there was just one value you HAD to know about me (and probably already do), is this: deep, honest, and healing (ahem, revealing) conversations are my jam.
In fact, I've been practicing speaking my truth and having uncomfortable conversations (with myself and those who close) to me consistently for four years.
Not a single one was easy, but each one was worth it.
When it came to talking about my life, I have always "shared" easily.
I overshare. I ask personal questions. I have a deep perspective, both for myself and others.
What I didn't often share is how I felt.
What I'd made things mean.
How things affected me in the moment (and then for decades to come).
How situations broke me from the inside... and how I covered it up with a happy face on the outside.
I may have been "transparent" about my life.
But the reality is, I have also felt broken.
Like something was wrong with me.
I used to beat myself up for saying too much... or for not saying enough.
Taking the conversation too far... or being too shallow.
Masking my emotions... or being too emotional.
I was constantly living in the tension of doing shit wrong, no matter what I did.
Don't get me wrong. Oversharing has had its perks.
People would say: you are so brave! SO courageous! SO inspiring!
I would smile and say thank you. "I am a better person for it."
But those words weren't exactly true ... at least not until I decided that I wanted to be "living in transformation" ... whatever that meant.
So, that brings me to the point of this post... Starting tomorrow, I will be sharing (one by one) the hard conversations that have paved the way to personal growth, deeper connections (and the parting of some connections, too), and ultimately solidifying my relationship with myself, AKA, transformation.
The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.
Welcome to the early release of some of the stories that will be in my next book. (I've been sitting on the title for two years.)
Some details will be private.
Some of the relationships will be protected.
Some of the conversations will "edited" for appropriateness.
Some of them will start with the phrase: *Trigger Warning* because of the trauma.
Most of the stories will be raw and straightforward.
What you WON'T get are gossipy, finger-pointing stories laced with drama and stone-throwing.
What you WILL get are MY truth-telling stories of the hard conversations and a glimpse of the 100 moments of discomfort that led to a transformation. (be it a mico win or a massive shift).
The important part of this experience is for you to ask: "What's in this story for ME? If I have judgments about this story (or of Nicole), why? If I am emotionally triggered, why? How does this situation differ from my life, but the transformation still feels relevant?
If any of this makes you uncomfortable, I get it. ME TOO. But avoiding my discomfort is not something I do anymore. Sharing these hard conversations may be JUST the nudge someone else needs to lean into their own story and create a chapter of healing.
And that one person (even if it's only ONE person) is worth it to me.
Any negativity, unfollows, or parting of ways is a demonstration of values, and I understand that it goes both ways.
So the question is: can you NOT value a story without DEVALUING a person??? Whether you can (or you can't) says more about your values than what your values say about me.
That's the thing about spending 4 years having hard conversations: there is no stone I won't look under. Self-reflection is something I do daily. Some days I have to own my shit more times than I'd like to admit.
BUT THROWING STONES? I don't tolerate that. Not from me, and not from anybody. Just something to think about if you choose to follow along.

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